Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I want to be His hands...

So much has happened lately for me. The Wesley Band has started practicing and we are slowly learning to play with each other- I'm loving getting to know them. I got a chance to spend an AMAZING weekend in Macon meeting the band I'll be playing with for a week of youth camp this summer- it was so good. Obviously the Lord was in it- after about 5 minutes together I felt like I was with old friends. We had a blast making music together and hanging out. I also got to spend time with Zach's parents and sister- such a sweet family!

That weekend was a great time of rest for me- obviously God knew I needed it before chaos hit. 2 AWFUL tests, my computer crashing (which explains why I haven't posted much lately) and then my little brother having to have surgery suddenly (check out the link to "my baby bro" for more info)- life has been crazy the last week.

The surgery is actually what inspired this post- or rather led to the inspiration for this post. I spent most of this weekend at Children's Hospital in Birmingham. I thought I was going to spend time with Jaron before and after surgery, and time with my family. Little did I know God had so much more in mind.

It all started when Jaron went down to surgery. As we waved goodbye (fighting back tears) and walked into the waiting room, we were met with familiar, though distraught, faces. A 7 year old little girl from our hometown was in surgery also- she had been suffering from headaches when they found she had a tumor the size of a baseball in her brain. They scheduled surgery immediately. Looking at that family I was overwhelmed with the desire to comfort them... I just wanted to go hug every one of them until the pain went away. For years now I've felt that God is preparing me to be the wife of a minister of some type-- I thought that desire to comfort them was just more confirmation of that. Though it may be, I had no idea then that it was also the beginning of all God would do in my heart this weekend.

That night I ventured out of Jaron's room to visit my friend Melanie's little sister Savannah (www.caringbridge.org/visit/savannahdewhurst). We'd realized a week earlier that she and Jaron were on the same floor, so I thought I would drop by to meet her. She was almost asleep so I came back Saturday to spend some time with her and her parents. For the most part Savannah was playful, but as time passed she began to get frustrated. You see, Savannah was a lively 4 year old until she caught encephalitis and spinal meningitis- which left her unable to control her speech or movements. I can't imagine how frustrating that would be-- to know what you wanted to say or do, but not be able to communicate it or do it yourself! As she began to cry my heart broke. All I could think to do to comfort her was to sing, and so, I did. It worked... so all 3 times she got frusrated during our visit, I sang over her. I can't explain the peace in my heart as I watched her little body relax, her tears stop, and her eyes flutter closed in rest. I fought back tears of gratitude to God for giving me back my voice-- I have never been so thankful!

As I walked back to Jaron's room to say goodnight, my heart was bursting. I wanted to hug every child I saw in the hall, and every worried, broken Mom and Dad. I wanted to pray over them, to speak truth to them, to comfort them, to encourage them. I wanted to be His hands to reach out to them, His arms to hug them, His shoulder for them to cry on. I wanted to love them.

I began to think about all the time I have spent the past 8 years working to promote Teen Alcohol Abuse Prevention- especially the past 4 years while it has been my platform (for the Miss Alabama Pageant) and I began to wonder- what if I spent all that time in hospitals instead? At first I dismissed it, thinking I would be a 'sell-out' if I changed. After all, I still feel so strongly about preventing alcohol abuse and I know it needs attention. However, I also realize that no big changes are going to be made without years of lobbying for government support. I have always said that all my work with my platform would be worth it, if I just impacted one teen. I still feel that way, but I had to ask myself- where would I be the most effective? where could I impact people the most? And most importantly- where does God want to use me?

That last question is where things began really taking shape. I know that God could use me in huge ways ministering to hospitalized children in their families! Oh the opportunities to speak truth to hurting hearts!!! That's when it all began to come into focus... He has been preparing me for this for SO long!

  • At 16 I visited my friends Sarah and Christine as they recovered from brain surgery and broken vertebrae from a horrific wreck. A few weeks later I watched my friend Lyndsey lose the battle with lukemia. At 17 I sat by my Grandmother's bed for 6 weeks as she died from heart disease. Later that week I held my dear friend Challas' hand as his mother died from brain cancer. That 10 month period was one of the darkest of my life... but through it I learned how to deal with death.

  • For half my life I have struggled with a heart condition, severe allergies, acid reflux disease, recurring bronchitis, asthma, and serious vocal problems including vocal nodules and a vocal cyst. The past few years have been full of doctor's appointments, visits to specialists, blood tests, breathing tests, EKG's, and a handful of medicine every day. By no means was it lukemia, and it definitely could have been worse... but through it I learned what it feels like to be sick.

  • For the past year my little brother has struggled with a chronic disease, Ulcerative Colitis. We have lost count of the times he has been in the hospital (we think around 8). I know how exhausting it is to try and keep friends and family updated. I have spent several days and nights at the hospital to give my parents a break. I know what it feels like to worry. I know how uncomfortable it is to sleep in a hospital chair. I know what hospital cafeteria food tastes like. I know what it's like to be in the hospital for so long that you know the nurses by name. I know what it's like to hear a child scream in pain next door for hours. I know what it's like to see someone you love attached to tubes and wires and machines. I know what it's like to be scared. I know what it's like to wish it was you in the bed hurting instead... because that child has just had more than they can bear. It has been miserable at times... but through this I have learned how it feels to be helpless when an innocent child is sick.

These experiences have not been fun... but they have been neccesary. I've often wondered why God allowed me to hurt so much, to go through so much. I've also wondered why I am almost always annoyingly happy (full of sunshine and lollipops as the anonymous blogger pointed out). There was a reason- those things were no mistake. It was also no mistake that the gift God blessed me with was that of encouragement. All this time God was preparing me to be a light to these families and sick children. He is so purposeful, right down to the last detail!

I can't tell you how excited I am to begin developing a new program to reach out to these hurting families. Please pray for me as I make decisions about how to structure this program to make it most effective, and how to fund it. I am overflowing with ideas (from God, no doubt!) and though I know it's going to be a lot of work, I am THRILLED!

God is SO good! I can't wait to see what He is about to do! Thank you Father for all the ways you have been preparing me to fulfill this vision!

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, He brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us."
2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 (The Message)

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Thoughts on discouraging anonymous comments on my blog, and my friends blogs...

"Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For,
"Whoever would love life
and see good days
must keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from deceitful speech.
He must turn from evil and do good;
he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their prayer,
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."

1 Peter 3: 8-16



If you haven't noticed, I've been getting some pretty hurtful (anonymous) comments on my blog lately. At first I thought it was just a personal attack, but then I found out whoever is doing it is also commenting on some of my friends blogs as well.

I was talking with Rebekah Wilkey about it on Saturday and she really had some great truth to pass along to me, and I'm pretty thankful for that! Our conversation has helped me to go from feeling hurt, to really being burdened for whoever it is writing these things-- specifically because (as she pointed out) anyone who hates joy and anyone who hates hearing the testimony of what God is doing in the lives of Christians obviously isn't saved. That breaks my heart- it truly does- that someone has to live with bitterness in their heart. And so, whoever you are, I want you to know that I am praying for you. I am praying that you would realize how much God loves you, and how much He desires to have a personal relationship with you! He longs to heal your heart and to fill you with abundant joy! He loves you so much that He would give His only Son for you (John 3:16), and whether you realize it or not, He is pursuing you!

I pray today that you would open up your heart to the love that God longs to give you!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Letting go... and letting Him bless me!

After 18 years of competing in pageants, 4 years of pursuing my dream to become Miss America, and 2 years of competing in the Miss Alabama Pageant, I had to let go. Now I'm not saying I'm letting go forever... dreams die hard (though if giving up this dream is God's will for me it's what I will do) but this year at least, I will not be "Miss" anything, nor will I be competing at the Miss Alabama pageant.

I must admit it's been hard to let that sink in-- after competing in several preliminaries and getting 1st alternate time after time I had to come to terms with it- Miss Alabama is obviously not where God wants me this year! That's a difficult realization because I do love it so much; I love the girls I compete with, I love the ministry opportunities I have because of it, I love the amazing opportunities to meet incredible people and do incredible things I have because of it, I love the scholarship money and gifts I get because of it, and let's face it- I love getting all dressed up and wearing a crown of course! It's difficult too because it is such a huge part of my life. I'm not realizing until now just how much time I spend making appearances, doing community service, developing my platform, preparing for competition (and the list goes on and on and on). When something that takes up that much of your time is removed from your
life, it's hard not to walk around feeling like a part of you is missing! Of course there were tears and questions... but luckily I realized that I had an option: I could give in to mourning and let Satan steal my joy, or I could fight for it!

And so- I fought. I listened to my dear friends who reminded me "God has something bigger in store for you!" and I believed them. I fought so hard to rest in that truth. I clung to the words of Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Guess what-- that is TRUTH!

Day by day, hour by hour, He has been allowing that truth to sink into my heart. He has shown me through emails and phone calls how He has already used me as a light for Him in the pageant world, and how He can still use me (even if I'm not competing this year!) He has shown me that I am more than a crown, or a "Miss Something", and that I do not need those things to verify my identity, because my identity is in Him. He has shown me that these passions, pursuits, interests, involvements, and accomplishments are just stuff. They are not life- He is life! And finally, He has shown me what a blessing my new found freedom is. Such as, the freedom to not having something I have to be "preparing for" (ie- The Miss Alabama Pageant) and the freedom to not have such a hectic schedule!

These new found freedoms have led me to a new chapter in my life as well, the one called MUSIC. Now some could say this is just a revival of an old chapter, because growing up music was such a huge part of my life- but it's been pushed aside for most of my college life. I've been missing singing for quite some time, but struggling to have confidence in my voice after all my vocal problems. My new found free time gave me the opportunity to invite music back into my life- and I can't begin to express how incredible it has felt! God has been so affirming through people who have spoken truth over my vocal abilities and who have encouraged me to sing; their words have been overwhelming and such confirmation from Him! Bit by bit I am able to silence the lies of the enemy and allow myself to embrace the gift of song He has so graciously blessed me with!

It's exciting
- to say the least!

And so, only a week after I gave up the title of Miss Auburn Opelika Area, I was blessed to become a member of two bands. The first is a band who will be leading worship for the Wesley Foundation, the second is a band who will be leading worship for a youth camp June 18-24 in Covington, GA. It's hard to express how truly blessed I feel, and how thrilled I am for the opportunity to use my voice to glorify Him!

"I will sing to the Lord, for He has been good to me."
Psalm 13:6

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."
Psalm 30:11-12

"I will sing of the Lord's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make Your faithfulness known through all generations."
Psalm 89:1


I can't wait to find out all He has in store for this chapter of my life... I just love to see how He surprises me! You see, all the time I was mourning, He had something specific waiting for me-- I just had to let go of my will, fight for my joy, and step out in faith. Sometimes we hold so tightly to something in our lives, when all He wants us to do is let go and let Him bless us! Our Father longs to bless us, His children, but sometimes we have to let go of our will to receive. After all, He can't place something new into our hands, if they are holding fast to something else. We have to learn let go, because what He has is always better!
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